I came into this world in 1943, born out of wedlock and raised as an only child. In order for my mother to keep from putting me up for adoption, she boarded me out with the Brown's, a local family who took in several boarders. They also had a daughter named Carol who was about a year older than myself. I stayed with this family up until eleven years old and able to care for myself while my mother worked.
Though Mrs. Brown was married, I only remember seeing her husband a few times. He was a farmer and had several parcels of land scattered around so I guess he always worked late. The few times I did see him, I remember he use to pick me up off the floor by just my hair and carried me around while laughing, thinking it was funny. It didn't really hurt but his strength really terrified me. It is at this boarding house my story unfolds.
My first encounter with shame started when I was almost seven and about to start my first year of school. Up until this point, I think I was a fairly normal young boy with few emotional issues. It was an early summer morning and I was playing in the back yard with the other children. Suddenly, I needed to use the bathroom and not wanting to stop playing long enough to go inside, I went behind a tree to relieve myself. Carol, seeing me, ran to tell her mother. I panicked and quickly zipped my pants back up. In my haste I didn't notice I’d slightly wet the front of my pants.
Carol told her mother what I'd done and I was quickly called inside. Mrs. Brown asked me if what she was told was true. Fearing punishment, I said Carol was lying just to get me into trouble. Mrs. Brown grew angrier as she pointed to my pants asking, "Then why are you’re pants wet?" I cried I wouldn't do it again as I confessed, even more fearful now for having lied.
Without hesitation, she ordered me to get undressed. I was puzzled by her demand but frightened of disobeying her as I began to remove my clothes. As I did, I heard her call the other children in and had them line up across the room. I felt ashamed that I was about to be spanked in front of the others as I got down to just my underwear and shoes.
Seeing I had stopped, she snapped angrily, "I told you to get undressed and that means all of them. Now get you’re clothes off." My heart was racing out of control now as I felt horrified at having to get naked in front of everyone, let alone being spanked while they watched. I could hardly untie my shoes as my hands shook with fear of my pending doom.
Just as I started to lift my undershirt over my head, I heard her tell Carol to go and bring her a couple of the baby's diapers and some diaper pins. Now realizing her intent, terror filled my mind as I screamed for forgiveness. Before I could react, she yanked my shirt off and grabbing my arm, started dragging me towards the kitchen table. I was delirious as I promised never to do it again but she was steadfast as she slapped my bottom several times while I struggled to get free. I screamed and kicked trying to escape but she was too strong.
Lifting me onto the table, she forced me onto my back, all the while I kicked frantically as though my very life was at stake. My feet hit her face as she grew angrier and called the other boys over to hold me down. Carol returned and handed her the diapers as she wedged herself between my legs. Reaching for my underpants, she told Carol to leave the room until called as she pulled them from my feet leaving me naked.
I kept struggling frantically while she refolded the diapers to fit my larger frame. Ordering the boys to lift me up, she slid the fabric under me and pulled the first corners together. Though teary eyed, I managed to look down and saw her just as she was retrieving one of the pins from the table and pulling the diaper tight, fastened it together.
My mind reeled with terror as I felt her repeat this with the other corners though she labored harder under my squirming. "Be still if you don't want to get stuck.", she warned as I felt the diapers grow snug, imprisoning me in my shame. The moment the second pin snapped shut, I felt all my resistance slip away as I stopped fighting and gave in to defeat. It was here that I lost my self esteem, my dignity stripped from my soul.
My shame was complete and I couldn't stop it. My feelings were not unlike having been gang raped. I went numb as she lifted me to a sitting position and told me that since I didn't want to use the bathroom like a big boy, now I didn't have to, I could use my diapers. Her words terrified me as I saw her smile victoriously at my helpless defeat. Letting me down to the floor, she stood me across from the others as I instinctively covered my front with my hands.
I felt panic as I heard her call her daughter back to join the others. "Put you’re hands behind you’re back so everyone can see what a little baby you are.", she demanded as I offered no resistance and obeyed. "Now look down at yourself and tell everyone what you’re wearing and why.", she added as I felt my shame intensify at the sight of the diapers. I could only sob in response as she ordered everyone to laugh and call me a baby.
I could see they were also scared as they tried to respond, though it didn't lessen my humiliation. Lowering my eyes to the floor, I burst into further tears. "Lift you’re head and look at the others.", she demanded. "Now put you’re thumb in you’re mouth and suck on it like a baby." I helplessly obeyed as my heart sank in despair. After a few moments, she ordered everyone to return outside. My face turned flush as Carol walked pass and smiled her triumph over me.
I just stood dazed and shaking as Mrs. Brown turned to me and said, "You too!" Horrified by her words, I pleaded to stay inside. To my relief, she said, "Very well. But you'd better not try and remove those diapers until I give you permission. Now run along until I call you for lunch." Everything seemed surreal as I went into the living room, trying to accept this was really happening.
I felt cold and naked wearing just a diaper and it kept me constantly aware of my humiliating status. Going to the darkest corner of the room I sat down in the overstuffed chair. Slowly I began to calm down though each time I looked down at my attire, I felt renewed shame.
It was over an hour before being called to lunch. As I entered the kitchen, I again felt panic as I spotted the baby's high chair pulled up to the table. "You’re to sit here.", Mrs. Brown ordered as she called me over and helped me up. I still remember vividly of her struggling with the tray, trying to get it to snap into place and of how it made me feel as though I was being locked in. Being so high also made me feel I was being put on display as I lowered my eyes and starred hard at the tray.
I couldn't look at the others though I felt all eyes were upon me. I don't remember what I ate but clearly of being giving a baby bottle of milk by her daughter with instructions I was to finish it before I would be allowed down.
Having to hold the bottle up to drink it was difficult and made me feel even more babyish as everyone started to giggle. It took a long time to finish the bottle and true to her words I wasn't let down until long after the others had returned outdoors. I returned to the living room and the same chair praying this would soon be over. The diapers strangely began to feel like my regular underwear and unless I looked down at them, I began to forget how I was dressed.
A short time later, Mrs. Brown came in with some of the baby's toys and ordered me onto the floor as she placed them between my legs. "Here you are baby, you can keep yourself entertained with these.", she smiled as though gaining pleasure from my debasement. I glanced down at the plastic rings and blocks she placed between my legs only to be visually reminded of my baby status.