Question

Do punishments help with toddler tantrums?

Answer 1

Punishments don't help with toddler tantrums as punishing a toddler when they are having tantrums can also be counterproductive, increase fear and shame and could make the toddler tantrums worse or more frequent.

When a toddler is having tantrums, you want to teach the toddler emotional regulation and not increase fear and shame.

Tantrums in toddlers is normal and are developmental and are caused by frustration and limited communication skills.

Instead of punishing your toddler for tantrums, remain calm and provide safe boundaries and use gentle redirection.

Sometimes simply ignoring your toddlers tantrums will cause them to stop and avoid giving into the toddlers tantrums as they can learn that the tantrum will get them what they want and that will also increase tantrums.

Toddlers cannot link punishment to their behavior and so punishment for tantrums can cause them to feel unjustly treated instead of taught.

Punitive approaches like spanking or yelling at your toddler for tantrums can increase your toddler's stress and make the toddler tantrum worse.

Tantrums in toddlers are in essence, an inability to cope with big emotions and punishments fail to teach the toddler how to handle their feelings.

Instead of punishing your toddler for tantrums, acknowledge your toddler's feelings like by saying, "I know you're mad" to help them feel understood and stay calm and model the toddlers emotional control that you want them to learn.

And use distraction and redirection, by shifting their attention to a different activity or object and set firm and safe limits and if the toddler is hitting or throwing, stop the toddler safely and explain it is not okay, without shouting at them and sit with the toddler to help them calm down instead of isolating them in time out.

To talk to toddlers so that they listen get on the toddler's level and use short and clear, one step instructions, and offer limited and positive choices.

For example, you can ask the toddler if they want to put on red shoes or blue shoes or ask the toddler if they want to put on the white shirt or blue shirt.

Pair the commands that you're commanding the toddler to do with action, like physically guiding your toddler to clean up if they refuse.

Or physically guide your toddler to put on their socks and shoes or help them if they need help.

Disciplining a toddler that does not listen requires consistency, calmness and immediate actions, instead of long term explanations.

When disciplining a toddler that doesn't listen or disciplining a toddler in general get on their level, by kneeling down and making eye contact with the toddler and speak to the toddler calmly to ensure that the toddler hears you.

Use few words and keep the instructions for the toddler to 1 to 2 words or use short and simple sentences.

If the toddler does not listen the first time, immediately help the toddler do the task through guided compliance.

You can also use the Do instead of No approach and tell the toddler what to do, instead of what not to do, like walk in the house instead of Don't run in the house.

And offer the toddler choices and give them control over small and acceptable options to reduce power struggles.

And use immediate, logical and consistent consequences for defiance, like removing a toy or ending of a fun activity.

And provide the toddler with warnings, by giving the toddler a 1 minute warning before transitioning from a new activity to help the toddler adjust.

Avoid yelling at your toddler as loud and angry communication with a toddler is less effective than a firm and steady quiet tone and avoid long explanations as toddlers cannot process long lectures.

If you set a boundary with your toddler, you should also follow through or the toddler will also learn that not listening works.

Avoid repeating the same instruction to the toddler multiple times and instead if they don't listen the first time you should follow up with action.

Use positive reinforcement when the toddler does listen and when you catch the toddler listening and behaving, praise the toddler immediately for following instructions.